Think of Rainbows and Butterflies
by imaslacker
Summary: Izzie's thoughts about what she is going through.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.

They aren't the same people anymore. They are a little more broken then when you last saw them. The world seems to have gotten to them, the optimism and the sparkle in their eyes is gone, replaced with a sadness that seems to have seeped into their bones making them slow moving and weak. But they do their best to make sure that she doesn't notice how worried and scared they are for her they try to keep things upbeat and happy -rainbows and butterflies. But she knows they are just as miserable as she, is if not more, because they have to learn to live without her. So, she smiles just a little bit wider for their sake because if she doesn't then her thoughts go to that dark place, where she remembers that she won't be here for Mere's wedding or for George's birthday, she'll miss Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. But most of all she will miss Alex with his charming smile and cocky grin that makes her melt. She'll miss his strength how he laid on the bathroom floor with her-they all did.

They rally around her in times of sadness and devastation but when she's happy they seem to leave her to forget her. You would think that friends would be there through the good times as well but not her good times. Sure, she is there for all of theirs good times but she supposes it's better this way because she won't get her good time with Alex; she won't get her happy ending. This is the third time it's been ripped away from her. What has she done to deserve this? Nothing, absolutely nothing. She goes to church, she is a generally nice person, she saves lives for a living, just not her own. She can't save herself from this and neither can her friends as much as they'd like too. So they talk about the upcoming wedding that she won't get to be apart of and she tries to sound excited about all the things she'll miss out on.

So she focuses herself on thinking about rainbows, butterflies and puppies, cute happy things that aren't dying from a brain tumor because lord knows that Mere can't handle anymore dark and twisty. She wonders how they will go on without her. Will Alex lay on the bathroom floor in some kind of tribute to her? Will Christina go to the dollar store like she did when Mere almost died? Who will help Alex through this? When will he move on, who will he move on with Olivia-I bet-I'll have to talk to Alex about that before I'm gone-I don't want to have to haunt him like Denny did me. I guess, I'll get to see Denny soon so I won't be alone. That's good think of Denny. But what about Alex? Alex who will have to learn to live without me like I had to learn to live without Denny. I should be thinking about how I won't get to marry Alex. But here I am thinking about getting to see Denny who does that?


	2. Chapter 2

May 14, 2009

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy

Think of Rainbows and Butterflies Chapter 2

There is beauty in the breakdown as she sobs heart-wrenching sobs as her hair falls out when her husband, Alex, takes the flowers gently out of her hair. They both know that they won't have much time together as husband and wife, and he is okay with that, as long as she is happy in her final moments. But it is the part that comes after that worries them both, although neither of them voice their concerns. They both hope that a miracle will occur to save them both from the pain and heartache, but the doctors in them know that it is very unlikely. She is very thankful to have friends like Meredith and Derek who gave up their wedding day for her, well her and Alex, her husband; she doesn't think she will ever get tired of saying that, her husband. She wonders what it would be like to have her whole future ahead of her, of them; this was supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life. Instead she ends the night by shaving her head and having Alex kiss her bald head telling her that she is beautiful. And for a moment she believes him. He holds her close to him, afraid to let go, afraid that she will disappear before his eyes, like she isn't already.

She worries about what will come after, for her friends, after she is gone. How will they react? How will they take it? What will happen when she is gone? How will she be remembered? Will she be remembered as a model or as a doctor? Or as a doctor-model? To him, she was once a doctor-model, but now she is his beautiful wife. She will always be beautiful to him, especially with her bald head.

They disagree over her treatment, their first fight as a married couple; it should not be over something as serious as cancer treatment. It should be over the amount of throw-pillows on the bed, something trivial and unimportant but it that moment it seems like the end of the world if there aren't at least four throw-pillows on the bed. He finally caves after you mention that maybe they shouldn't be married if they can't even decide on the amount of pillows on their bed. He would laugh and pull you into a hug, telling you that he loves you. But instead it is a fight over cancer treatment, you don't want to have the treatment, he wants you too. But you might lose all of your memories of him, and you know that would hurt everyone worse than you actually dying. He caves after all of their friends talk to her about her options, and she clearly explains why she wants what she wants, and they explain their opinions on the matter. He decides to obey her wishes, give her one more day to think it over, and whatever she decides he won't object to. He loves her too much to fight with her in what could be her final days, he wants to remember her happy if it comes to that, when he only has his memories of her to keep him company. He doesn't want to remember the bad times they had, even though they led to the good. He wonders briefly who will have to pry him from her dead, lifeless body, but he quickly pushes that thought from his mind. Mostly, because he doesn't want to think about what happens after, when she leaves him for good, when she gets to heaven.


End file.
